Julienne

tired

2008-09-07T13:23:00.000-07:00

it has been 2 months since i last posted, so it's as good as not having a blog. anyway, many things have hit me recently.

i seem to have come face to face with death once again. if not face to face, then almost near.

2 of my friend's parents are ill. one of which is in a coma, the other has cancer. my tuition teacher's dad also has cancer. my other tuition teacher's friend died of pneumonia.

you see the fragility of life? i'm just shocked at how fast things changed. it wasn't too long ago when i left, but many things have started to come back.

my meetings with the psychologist has helped me a little, but there are time when i just need a break, to get away from many things. i just need to know what has happened to me. why have i become like this. all i do is make people worry. i'd rather they just give up on me, because i've almost given up on myself.

i'm really prepared to say goodbye.

i haven't spoken to steph for more than 10 weeks now, and i'm surprised about how unaffected i am. in fact, i'm glad at the numbness that i feel. everything is just happening. now, i don't feel the extremes. my mood just twitches around without feeling extremely happy. but feeling extremely sad is another story altogether.

i'm sick and tired of myself crying every other day.

and as much as i want to say that val will always be my bestfriend, i just have to admit that someday i'll have to let her go. she's really changed and i don't feel as much as i used to. i may be imortant, but no longer as important. it is time to let her go and have her freedom, and it'll be today. i've had her for 4 years, and i think its enough.

i've made a decision, and i don't want to cry or regret it.

i'm just sorry that i couldn't have you.

happy birthday. i loved you.

holidays

2008-06-13T18:30:00.000-07:00

okay it's been forever since i've updated this place, and now only ONE person (other than me) knows that this place exists.

the past few week has been.. so-so. not that great, but still live-able. had a couple of run-ins with undesirable situations, but then again, who doesn't? but going for lunch with tiara today made me happier.

well many things have really happened over the past few weeks. hormones lingering waaaaaay longer than they should, mood swings wilder than they should be, and i realised that i really have a problem.

as much as i need some people back, i realised that they're gone forever.

and this would probably be the first time i'll say this, but i'm afraid. i'm really afraid, not knowing what to do, and how i'll turn out to be. the thoughts in my head, the words that i say, and things that i do... sometimes it scares me.

but sometimes, i'm just relieved. for example, i don't have ugly names. i'm pretty much satisfied with my names.

i'll be seeing dr. soh and dr. chu on tuesday and wednesday respectively. i can't help but to sense some worry.

sigh.

oh, happy friday the 13th.

friend

2008-05-03T16:20:00.000-07:00

nobody ever bothers anymore.

but just so you know, i am a FRIEND, not a BACKUP.

there is a great difference between a friend and a backup. a friend is somebody that you trust, a backup is just who you run to after forsaking when you realise that nobody wants you.

yeah whatever, i don't really see myself as a friend anymore. you know very well that you're treating me as a backup. you know it. you just come to me to ask me about chapters that's tested for the midyears.

WHATEVER. I AM SICK AND TIRED OF BEING A BACKUP. ERGH.

i am so fucking pissed okay.

yeah yeah call me "emotionally unstable" and all that shit, I DON'T CARE. I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THAT I HATE THE WAY YOU ARE NOW.

I FEEL CHEATED
I FEEL LIKE I NEVER KNEW YOU
I FEEL LIKE NOBODY REALLY CARES

AND I REALLY FEEL LIKE A FUCKING BACKUP

and for the record, I AM YOUR FRIEND. if you don't do anything about it, i'll be saying "I was your friend".

psychology follow up

2008-04-16T21:08:00.000-07:00

went for the follow up with the doctors at kkh.

well, i realised that many things happened for reasons that i may not even know of, and that there's nothing i can do about them.

i think one of the best examples has presented itself. i guess many know what i'm talking about.

you can't hurry love,
neither can you stop it.

but is it really love?

school is VERY tiring. but then everyone's feeling it too. so if they can do it, i can do it too.

and by the way, our b div netball team got the second placing in the nationals! and c div came in first! wellllll done!

and lisa is being really, really dumb (as usual).

ho ho.

i just crab. and i just realised that i don't really fancy crabs. my lucky future husband, no need to spend money on sri lankan crabs! i heard they feed on human meat.

OH GROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

SEE WHO STILL WANTS TO EAT SRI LANKAN CRAB! EAT LAH, EAAAAAAAAT, ALL YOU CANNIBALS!

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!

tired

2008-04-13T20:33:00.000-07:00

i am not prepared for school.

and the chantings from the void deck is giving me a headache and i can feel my stupid fever coming back. sometimes i feel like converting the whole world to become catholics so that there won't be all these weird chantings that cause my headaches.

guess what. i don't have dengue fever or any infection, but i've had fevers for 5 days already. this viral fever is killing me.

i haven't spoken to probably 99% of the people i know for 5 days already. i can forsee the problem i'm going to face when i go back.

i've spent a lot of time thinking over the last few days. and nothing came out of it. i think, and then i cry. and the crying doesn't stop.

whatever is happening to me doesn't look too good.

i also feel quite cheated. i guess nobody will actually know how i'm feeling. afterall, nobody even knows of this blog.

as secret as it can get, i'm not sure if i want to keep a blog anymore.

i'm quite sick and tired of everything already. i don't really care anymore.

Social studies kills.

sick, again

2008-04-13T11:30:00.000-07:00

okay screw it.

i'm the only person who knows of this new blog anyway. i'm getting so pissed with everybody and i don't know why.

i'm pushing everyone away from me. all i ever do is just keep to myself.

i've been MIA for about 5 days now. i guess i'm not surprised how people have decided not to msg me anymore. i guess its a good thing in a way, so that i won't hurt them by ignoring them.

tomorrow is really going to be a bad day. i haven't been in school since wednesday. i don't know how to catch up, neither do i know how to talk to my friends anymore.

it was an overdose of sadness and tears, anger and pain, disgust and remorse. i don't know what came over me, but all i know is that when it comes, nobody escapes it.

i'm trying so hard not to let my parents know, but it doesn't seem to be working one bit. each time i don't flare up, it gets worse.

its a devious monster in me.

sick and dead

2008-04-11T20:58:00.000-07:00

oh shit.

guess what, i'm not dead yet.

sorry to those who wished i were dead and would disappear.

i think i have an overdose of medication.

and by the way, nobody has to fake concern for me just to make yourself feel better. i don't really care. no point asking if you don't mean it.

don't pretend. it isn't worth it. not the least.

i'll make sure i'll disappear.

once again, GOODBYE.

sick

2008-04-10T21:12:00.000-07:00

the people that should be worried, aren't worried.

the people that shouldn't be worried, are worried.

what the hell.

okay guess what, just leave me alone and don't bother me. since nobody really cares, just don't bother.

and you know what, don't bother visiting me either. i don't think i want to see anyone.

no wait, don't even call me, because i don't want to talk to anyone.

GOODBYE.

just thinking

2008-04-05T13:08:00.000-07:00

it has been about a week now. the pressure is setting in already. the pressure of school, exams, friends and on myself.

meeting up with the psychologist wasn't a very bad thing. i thought that she was really great. i really don't have an idea what exactly is going on.

anyway, i really want to thank those lovely people who've been there for me. really, it was amazing how i could smile everyday despite what i felt. i really did feel awful, but thank you all so so much. i can't wait till the mid-years are over and we can spend some quality time together.

and guess who i had tuition with last night? CHARMIAN! hmmm, i was THIS close to not going for class. and i really didn't expect her to be there! i guess i'll probably go down for the game on thursday because its IJ against RGS, AGAIN. and since she asked me to go... i'll think about it :)

i went shopping a little bit. hee.

alright, time to go! but before i go, i've been listening to this song after someone told me to listen to it.

When you're down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, nothing is going right
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah
You've got a friend

If the sky above you
Should turn dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together
And call my name out loud, yeah
Soon I'll be knocking upon your door

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running, oh yes I will
To see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah

Ain't it good to know that you've got a friend
When people can be so cold
They'll hurt you, and desert you
And take your soul if you let them
Oh yeah, but don't you let them

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yes I will

You've got a friend
You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again (oh baby don't you know)
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
Lord, I'll be there yes I will

You've got a friend
Oh, you've got a friend

Aint it good to know you've got a friend
Aint it good to know you've got a friend
You've got a friend

feeling better

2008-03-30T21:30:00.000-07:00

i know alot of people have been hoping for some form of answers through this blog since i was speaking the most through here over the last 3 to 4 days. i am so sorry that i didn't reply phonecalls/messages/msn conversations and even hanging up on some people. i guess this will be the first time i'm going to say what really happened, too.

today i visited my paternal grandparents' graves and i witnessed a burial. now, everybody is being cremated after they die, it is uncommon to winess a burial (unless you watch it on tv). there were 3 priests, and about 70 people gathered in the next cemetery path in the christian cemetery. i could heard them singing the Lord's prayer, how great thou art and amazing grace.

i was immediately reminded of mrs low's husband's wake when they sang amazing grace. and at that time, i was still in the depressed mood. bad combination right? but just in front of my grandfather's grave, i came to a sudden realisation about how fragile life was. yeah sure i've witnessed birth and death, but they just never clicked. even if i knew how fragile life was, i guess i forgot all about it amidst my time of distress and trouble. and then i thought of how strong mrs low was. i'm sure inside her somewhere, there's a part of her that's still aching.

why am i in depression? why am i unwilling to have treatment (i refuse to talk to people about the real problems, and i still do)? why don't i cherish all that i have? i guess it really hit me pretty hard. i didn't know an answer, but i knew how much i worried the people around me, how i've scared them so badly. so the good Lord told me to tell the people around me that i was okay. and so i did. so thank you all for making me feel a little teeny weeny bit better.

many things happened while i was away. or rather, "away".

but then again, my doctor did tell me that i would have on and off days, and it'd be difficult to cope with it along the way. i guess it was her way of telling me that i'm strong and i'll be alright. afterall, it is "temporary". who knows, maybe i'll be fine after some time, given the amount of support i have.

however, maybe this is just one of my "on" days? i don't know.

i just have a feeling that i'm not feeling as okay as i think i am anymore.

wipe away the tears to uncover the surprise beyond my imagination

happier

2008-03-28T23:02:00.000-07:00

okay amidst everything, i'm feeling slightly better now.

mummy gave me a piece of chocolate cake. so now i'm feeling very very full. this piece of chocolate cake is going to cost me about 30 rounds.

i'll live.

:(

2008-03-28T21:58:00.000-07:00

i feel utterly disgusted with myse;f. thats all i can say about myself.

when i look into the mirror, i wish i saw something else.

its not as easy as it seems to put everything down and go on saying "i'm okay" or "nothing happened" or "i'm just tired".

everyone knows i'm not okay. i don't need all of you to say it to me, or to remind me that i need help.

i need some peace and quiet in the morning. i'd rather be left alone. honestly.

everything's not so simple anymore. its scary. its so scary that i just cry everyday. i can't control my emotions.

i'm so done with everything. and now that many people know of this blog, i'm going to move soon.

i really don't like people bugging me in the morning. you could sit with me and not talk. i'm okay with that. if not, take your chatty friends away. i don't want to hear any of your converstaions. i've had enough of it.

JUST
LEAVE
ME
ALONE

I
WILL
FIND
HELP
ON
MY
OWN

if i can't do it myself, i'll cry. i'll cry until my eyes are swollen, i'll cry till my voice goes hoarse. i'll cry till my eyes burn and i'll cry till i've got no more tears.

BUT
I
DON'T
NEED
ANYONE
TO
PITY
ME
OR
BOTHER
ME

LEAVE
ME
ALONE
IN
THE
MORNINGS

I
WILL
TALK
WHEN
I
WANT
TO

check up

2008-03-26T20:39:00.000-07:00

many things happened today. i wouldn't say it went well, but i wouldn't say it was all that bad either.

i cried, mum cried. i ate and now i regret it. but i did a teeny bit of shopping to make myself feel slightly better and happier (though it didn't help much. i was on the verge of screaming and crying along orchard road).

i received the diagnosis today. i guess my worst fears came true, and my mom didn't see it coming. well, she just broke down. i mean, alot of things have been happening, but i just didn't really expect it to happen to me.

as much as i would love to be optimistic about my diagnosis and say that it's "temporary"and "i'll get out of it", i'm finding it difficult to come to terms with it. as strong as i might sound sometimes, i guess i'm just weaker than everyone else.

it was as though my world just came crashing down in a split second. i was hoping that the doctor wouldn't say it, but she did. her words are still ringing right through my head. i could see the fear in my mother's eyes, and it scared me.

i want to say i'm okay (because by putting this down, i think i'll be fine) but i know i'm not. i guess nobody has seen my worst yet. i've never cried so badly in public and i didn't bother about whether it was embarassing or not. i couldn't control every tear that found their way out of my eyes.

i won't know when i'll be ready, but i really do hope that i can be given some breathing space. i'm still coming to terms with the diagnosis. there's no telling when will it get better or worse, but thank you everyone for your support. i must say this before its too late and i can no longer remember what everyone has given or done for me.

i can't deal with the pressure.
i just need help.

& i still want to be thin.

farewell

2008-03-25T20:13:00.000-07:00

i have a feeling that the people who know of this blog will be coming to read this blog.

i really don't know what is going on with me. all i do is just cry and cry and cry. it is as if my heart died already.

sorry if i scared/worried all of you, because i scare myself too. i really don't want to continue like this anymore.

i've been fighting back my last batch of tears for about a day now. i really don't wish to burden anybody with my problems and extreme moods. sorry for everything.

and before i go on, i really want to say sorry to some people.

1. steph and rachel. i guess i don't have to spell it all out, but i'm so sorry if i've irritated you both over the last few weeks.

2. camelia and renee. sorry to come to school all gloomy and make you both so worried. sorry if i took it out on you both.

3. amelia, michelle and sam. sorry if i haven't been talking lately, or if i've been too flighty. really, really sorry.

4. pat. sorry for loading you with so much of my problems and making you comfort me every other day.

5. people i talk about in school. i'm very sorry for gossiping, i'll try my very very best to quit this bad habit.

tomorrow's the day. i am scared and hesitant. as much as i don't wish to do anything, i know i need help. this is going on for far too long.

i don't want to know what you all are saying about me.

i don't want to know that you're saying 'i love you' to me without meaning it.

i don't want to be left alone.

i don't want to cry alone.

i don't want to go through anything i shouldn't be going through.

i don't want to feel unloved.

i want to be thin.

emo day

2008-03-23T21:57:00.000-07:00

today is emo day. but today is also tatyana's birthday.

so... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TATYANA! you were such an awesome girl to talk today! sweet sixteen eh :D

on the other hand, i don't think i know myself anymore. i want to be someone else, i want to be skinny, tall and pretty. as much as i'm trying to convince myself that i love myself, i know i'm not.

as hard as i try, i simply can't make it. i'm not up to that standard. i'm going to have a mental breakdown soon. soon enough it'll teach everyone to stay away from me.

i want to be loved. i need to know i'm loved.

as much as i know i have people around me, losing one out of the many is enough to tear me up, especially you.

but nonetheless, happy birthday to those celebrating it within this week.

sorry

2008-03-23T12:20:00.000-07:00

everything is happening too soon, with or without a reason.

have you ever felt that other people are talking and laughing at you? ever felt like they're criticising you on the quiet? have you seen their scornful eyes and the condesending look in their eyes?

one reason why i hate to walk near bengs and lians is because i'm afraid of what they think of me.

somebody, anybody, please make me laugh. i want to feel myself again.

i'm sorry darren. all i did was cry. i never learn how to do the right thing, except cry.

dearest babe

2008-03-22T18:00:00.000-07:00

Hey babe,

I just wanna say how much I LOVE YOU. I was there through it all, and will always be there. I want so much t be w you, but I don't wanna force you if you don't feel t same way. I was so happy when you said yes, but I just crumbled when you took it all back. Maybe I wasn't the one, and never will be the one. I waited, I loved and I wept for you. I held you in my arms when you cried, I embraced everything you offered. I laid next t you, I watched you as you sleep. Even as friends, we had OUR song. it was so special t me, it still is. yes, I did give other girls a shot, but it was you, you were the one on my mind at all times.

Nothing's gonna change my love for you. I promise.

ILY more than any other. My body, my heart, my heart and my mind. you ARE the most amazing girl I'll ever know.

With every breath I take,
Darren

pictures!

2008-03-19T21:09:00.000-07:00

HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN TO MEEEE!

2008-03-19T20:00:00.000-07:00

THANK YOU ALL FOR THE BIRTHDAY WISHES AND ALL THE PRESENTS!

i really love all of them!!!!

And thank you the sevens for being there with me today for lunch, especially my dearest renee for coming to hug me although she was sooooooooo sick.

my birthday was a blast! thank you everyone for singing the birthday songs like, COUNTLESS TIMES (CAMELIA!!!)! THANK YOU ALL! I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUU!

oh and THANKS FOR REMEMBERING ME IN YOUR POSTS! :D

anyway, here's what renee (the funny ass) said on monday during the first 2 periods of amath lesson when we had absolutely no mood to do amaths....

"Won't it be so cool if Mr Teh comes up with a new formula, and call it the 'Teh-tagoras' or 'The Teh Theorem'!"

HAHAHAHA! thats not all....

"And maybe if I find out some ulu part of my body, I'll name it the Hoop of Thong!"

HAHAHAHA! if some of you are wondering why the second statement was so funny, you have to learn biology to understand. well, i shall do a brief explanation. in your kidney, there's a strusture called the Loop of Henle, and it was discovered by Henle. so if you understand....

ISN'T RENEE SUCH A DARLING!

I LOVE THE SEVENS! :D

sweet sixteen party!

2008-03-16T20:46:00.000-07:00

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR COMING TO MY PARTY!

i was so happy and so overjoyed! firstly, i must thank everybody who made it a success! my PARENTS, the people at SGCC, the cool dudes who came down early to help me pump my balloons(!), my cousins who were the emcees, the awesome photographer, my relatives who took time off to celebrate my birthday with me, AND THE AWESOME FRIENDS WHO TURNED UP! THANK YOU FOR ALL THE WELL WISHES AND PRESENTS AND HUGS!

it was a blast! my decorations went well! i am really so so glad! thank you for doing the decorations guys! thank you so so much! i hope the food was good and i hope everybody enjoyed themselves!

well, SO MANY THINGS HAPPENED! i think i kind of had a wardrobe malfunction. i kept having my bra exposed a little. HAHAHA I SHOULDN'T HAVE WORN A BRA LAH! okay now now thats just wrong. but other than that, i was half excited and half stressed! i was running around EVERYWHERE! and i really had so many pictures taken! thanks alot sam (the photographer). i am so happy! it is my first party in 16 years and i'm so glad that it went well!

for starters, i was freaking out at around 3 pm because NOBODY was there to help me! mummy was with popo, which left me with daddy. so daddy helped me to put up the sweet sixteen banners etc etc, and it wasn't so bad! it looked gorgeous actually! :D and then he left to collect some stuff so basically, I WAS ALONE! i pumped about 20 ballons (out of the 200, mind you) and my life savers came! BRENDA, ELIZABETH AND MATILDA!!!! then came crystal lim, eleanor and germaine. then sam low, camelia and alex came! OH! then steph and rachel came as well. and then sam and crystal how. so we managed to put up all the decorations and made it look classy. thanks guys!

so the night started! it was party time! the friends and relatives started streaming in! camelia, alex and sam low were sitting at the guest table. then amelia, rachel fan and danella were in the hall together with another 20 people? OH THEN VICTORIA AND DEBORAH CAME! sigh i haven't seen her in an awfully long time!

more and more people came. and my parents FINALLY made their appearance. they were "fashionably late" (as what renee would say). and kenneth + sebastian + oliver + uncle stephen were helping me to entertain the crowd. BUT BUT BUT, THEY PICKED THE WRONG TIME! i was JUST ABOUT TO EAT and i got sabo-ed on stage. well i NEARLY had a stage fright! but it think everything went well.

CUTTING CAKE TIME! i had an awesome birthday song! i was so super happy! everyone was around me on the stage. i felt so so loved! thank you all so much guys! cutting the cake and then daddy + mummy came to cut cake with me. sigh thank you so much!

then we continued eating and all. so many things happened, so much so i couldn't remember everything! i just know that i was sabo-ing steph + rachel wong and ray was a hit with all the girls! he was awesomely cute! everybody has got to agree on this!

i'll upload the pictures when i got them.

to everyone, thank you for giving me such a memorable sweet sixteen. I LOVE YOU ALL!

birthday party

2008-03-12T13:51:00.000-07:00

I AM SO EXCITED!

my party is just 2 days away! and the worst part is that i haven't started on my homework yet. but most of the things are ready, i've prepared my buestbook/scrapbook, party favours, bought decorations, bought dress and now all i have to do it do the decorations and get my music ready! YAY!!!!!!

i bet alot of people are as excited as i am! i totally cannot wait!

for those people who are coming late/early/to help, here's the plan for the day:

2.30pm - Start deco/sound check (if we end early then you can come to my house to change up)

5.30pm - Arrival of the birthday cake

6.00pm - prepare the guestbook + party favours, finishing touches

6.30pm - people are going to start coming!

8.30pm - CUTTING THE CAKE!

and anybody who wants to play games/be the emcee etc etc please let me know! :D

----------

AND I AM ULTRA EXCITED BECAUSE I'M GOING TO MEET ELIZABETH CHUA AND BRENDA KOR TODAY!!!!!! HOW EXCITING IS IT?!?!?!?! we're going to the glass house! YAY!

my birthday dress is silver and i'll be pairing it with purple shoes and earrings! i'm soooooooo excited y'know! i hope everything's going to run smoothly!

and anybody wants to listen to music/make music dedications please let me know, i MIGHT be able to do something about it. well, i'll try my best, if not you bring your ipod/cd then we'll play it.

and i really need loads of help for my decorations on friday! please inform me if you can make it to help! i'll be there at 2.30pm, Serangoon Gardens Country Club - Heliconia Room. if you are coming, please bring a pair of scissors and balloon pumps (if you have). thanks alot!

AND NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO LEAVE UNTIL I'VE CUT THE CAKE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! you guys have to check out the cake (or rather, the candles).

and guess what, you guys will most probably be able to see my 2 lovable nephews!

and before i forget, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ALL THE MARCH BABIESSSSSSSSSSS!

------------

and now, that fucking whore bitch will burn in hell. i've started on my letter already :D all she has to do is.... thread on my toes more and offend me. so i pray she'll be sacked soon! like i said, i'll fight fire with fire. and good will ALWAYS win. WHOOPEEDOO!

i love myself
-hugs myself-

outing with camelia!

2008-03-09T10:50:00.000-07:00

anyway, to cut the story short...

I
WENT
OUT
WITH
CAMELIA
YESTERDAY!

:D

we, okay maybe i, bought so much stuff! ballons, candles, sweet sixteen stuff :D so happy!

I DESIGNED THIS MYSELF DUDES! :D

okay anyway right, when we were going home, SIX 65 BUSES CAME WITHIN HALF AN HOUR AND NO 133 BUSES CAME AT ALL. OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! but i really enjoyed talking to camelia. THANKS CAMELIA!

-------------

i had the worst day on friday, all thanks to that fucking whore bitch. its her retribution that she's not married. she'll be an old spinster with 127 cats. and the worst part, she'll be poor all her life. she is so ugly because her heart is ugly. i always believe that you face reflects you heart. when you're kind hearted and happy, you look radiant and gorgeous. but when you're like that fucking whore, you will look exactly like her. wait, no one would want to fuck her even if she's a whore. i know i'm mean but its really how i feel.

my blood is boiling and i'm so glad that i have a life which is so much better than hers. she may be smart, but whats the use of having these qualifications when we higly doubt your integrity and moral values? wait, i forgot, you have none. and by the way, don't talk about pride and dignity, you weren't born with any.

i thank you for putting me through so much torture, so that i can formulate and intricate plan to oust you from my sanctuary and that'll teach you not to thread on my toes. women would be your downfall, and i'd be the epitome of your fears. thank you for not giving me the chance, so that i would not have to constantly be at your beck and call. i can't be your dog that follows you around because you're already a dog. however, if you need someone to lead you, i suggest you go get a trainer. you need to know how to have EMOTIONS and sensitivity. humans can't help you because you've got the brain of a bird, the heart of a dog and the temper of a wild beast. you are not an ordinary homosapien, you are a monster. you are the monster we all want to overcome.

we will get you down. we will unite and petition against you. be afraid, be very afraid. good will always triumph over evil (which is you). even your supporters cannot help you. the good and righteous will bring you down. you disgust me. you are the worst of human kind. obviously you have learnt NOTHING from your education, except the academics. the hatred i have for you would not be extinguished even if you were dismembered. but why would i want to kill you? it'll be letting you off too easily. i'll make hell for you. i'll drive you to insanity. i'll torture you the way you tortured me. i'll pay you back with your own coin. i'll drive you into your own guilt and you'll see how devious you are.

you'll be too afraid to look at yourself in the mirror because you look like a witch. crows feet, wrinkled skin, dark eye rings would be nothing, because you will look ugliest due to the makeup of your heart. your heart is filled with schemes and ways to torture us, you will lose. humanity will win i assure you.

you're not worthy to be even called a dog. because dogs are man's bestfriends. and you, you're nothing but just a lowly cockroach.

get my point? my plan is underway. you had better not offend me anymore or your iron rice bowl would be broken by my hatred because you've incurred my wrath. and i applaud you for being the one and only one to be able to do that. so you shall be a warning to all. but then again, i despise you for being a follower of the mainstream. you're a shrew, and i'll fight fire with fire.

photo taking!

2008-02-21T19:18:00.000-08:00

MEET RAY (my first nephew)

MEET RANDELL (my second nephew)

MEET GRISELDA (my cousin's rabbit)

MEET RENEE (my RHS partner)

MEET CAMELIA (my LHS partner; hunchie)

----------------------------------

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

TODAY WAS THE INDIVIDUAL PHOTO TAKING!!!!!

omg i pray i'll look nice. okay, technically i've already seen and chosen the picture i want. but then right, i still think i don't look good. shit lah! nobody is allowed to laugh when the steeple comes out next year!! I'M TELLING YOU!!!! and because of the photo taking, we bathed in school and i brought a HAIR DRYER. HAHAHAHA! i was never this nice smelling and neat and clean after PE before :D

AND......... TOMORROW IS GOING TO BE ALESIA GIAN'S BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGG! and then on monday will be SAMANTHA WOON'S birthday! sigh, i haven't bought anything for them yet! ah shit.

well, alot of funny stuff happened in school but i'm getting so old that i can barely remember what happened. hmmm... lets see. there's was the most dreaded PE (2.4 km run) , then i saw lisa (dumb) koh in the morning, had triple amaths lesson, phototaking for 4 periods. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!! and then finally went for amath tuition. okay lah, not bad, not bad. quite tired actually.

change in timetable AGAIN. for like the 5th time. i think. i don't know.

anyway, i realised that some people don't know how to smile for pictures. no wait, some don't even know how to laugh. meaning, they have no idea how to laugh naturally, and then they sound like they're having spasms.. esh. thasnk goodness i can smile.

i have been so tired out and so sian these few days, i don't know what to do. i hope something fun will happen soon!

oh! MY PARTNER, TAN HWEE LIN CAMELIA WILL BE TURNING FOUR YEARS OLD NEXT FRIDAY!!!!! i'm getting as excited as she is! HAHAHAHAHAHA! GOOOOOOOOOOO CAMMY!

i love my partners :D (love at pictures above)

and victoria, if you're reading this: I HOPE YOUR DEBATE WENT WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!

EVERYBODY! MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!

shit lah, i was planning to sleep in on saturday, only to realise that there is the irritating SS test and then i'll be going for flag day. esh. i cannot believe it.

FAREWELL EVERYONE!

self awareness camp!

2008-02-17T13:45:00.000-08:00

I AM BACK FROM MY SELF AWARENESS CAMP!

firstly, i must thank everyone who shared and bared their souls out to the class. thank you for placing your trust in everyone. it made me realis that i wasn't alone. when i shared my own problems and everything i went through, i was happy that i knew i wasn't alone. i have my closest friends who have the same problem and we can get support from each other. i have never felt this much together with my friends, and i have never felt like someone can understand my problems as they go through it too.

on a lighter note, i had a lot of fun and i felt very tounched when people thanked me :D i felt so appreciated! thank you all!

the games of bonding was really exciting. especially when they passed me down OMG that will be always UNFORGETTABLE. i was so so so scared! sigh, i nearly burst into tears but i've also learnt how to trust my friends more.

oh, and before i forget, GERMAINE IS MY ANGEL! I KNEW IT!!!!!!! THANK YOU SO SO MUCH GERMAINE! :D and my mortal is......... MICHELLE GOH! well, she was like OMG ITS YOU OMG OMG OMG because she had NO IDEA and she had not expect it to be me at all! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! i love you all!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KERLENE!!!!!!! i hope you were touched when we celebrated your birthday for you!!!!!! :D

valentine's day

2008-02-14T21:12:00.000-08:00

HELLO EVERYONE WHO KNOWS AND IS READING MY BLOG!!!!

HAPPY
SAINT
VALENTINE'S
DAY

TO YOU!!!!!!!!

anyway, the past week was quite fun lah. reuniting with the family and all. then going to school, preparing for valentine's day and of course, the LONG AWAITED SELF AWARENESS CAMP! omg i always heard my seniors talk about it and now that it is finally here for me, I AM SO SO EXCITED!

talking to veronica about it! i have so so so much things to bring tomorrow and my sleeping bag takes up SO SO SO SO SO much space! ergh. so annoying, seriously. got to write notes for all those special special people!

sigh i'm so tired and i doubt that i'll actually sleep at camp because of the freaking hard floor >:(

it's going to be kerlene's birthday on saturday and i've bought her a chocolate brownie cake! hahahaha but then they're going to pay me back so HAHAHA! nevermind, i'll contribute some :D

went shopping today and i bought stuff for my angel AND mortal. haha my mortal is so silly. she has completely NO IDEA who am i! HAHAHAHAHAHA and my mortal is.... MICHELLE! i write with my left hand so maybe thats why.... it's really ugly handwriting. when she finds out that it's from me she's going to laugh! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

anyway, my birthday is coming really soon and i'll be checking out the venue on saturday after my self-awareness camp! heehee so excited!

oh and THANK YOU FOR ALL THE FLOWERS AND CANDY AND LETTERS AND THINGS YOU GUYS MADE!!!!!!! THANK YOU ALL SO SO MUCH!

SORRY VALERIE THAT I DIDN'T SPEND THE DAY WITH YOU! I AM SO SO SO SO SORRY! OKAY, I LOVE YOU ALOT YEAH! :D

CNY celebrations

2008-02-08T20:59:00.000-08:00

i don't know why, but cny to me has become the most boring thing ever. i can bet that in time to come, i won't carry on the tradition.

if you think about it, how many of us actually talk to our second cousins? the only reason we go visiting is because our parents and grandparents go visiting. in their, their relatives because to us, the other are almost non-existent. there's no form of communication except a smile faked to perfect sweetness and a handshake with "happy new year". thats all.

i'll probably exist in a western country in the near future where i'll be the only one celebrating cny with my family.

the reunion dinners on my mother's side is always unhappy. at least for me. i get so annoyed and stressed out that i give up eating. i hate the way my mother behaves at the table and it really irks me. i try and understand but i simply can't. she is always making me do the things she can do but doesn't want to. or its either that she's shouting through my ears to talk to someone seated an arms length away from her. forgive me if i'm a little deaf after the break.

we had our reunion dinner on tuesday and today (friday).

tuesday's dinner was the stupidest ever. i hardly ate and we started eating at 10pm. yes. when half the world is asleep, i just started my dinner. my mother bugged me to go down and help, and i was almost redundant there. in which i could have been resting because of my stupid period that was draining my concentration and energy. but NO, SHE MADE ME GO DOWN AT A FREAKING 9PM. okay fine, so i ate the amount that my mouth had energy to chew. i left at 1045 by myself, came home, took a shower and slept. case closed. okay maybe not. i was exceptionally quiet and so angry during the dinner with the whole world. reunion dinner wasn't about everyone, it was just about my grandmother and her children, not grandchildren. and what made things worse? my cousin's ugly girlfriend was so effing gross with her public display of affection that it made it weird to watch. if i have to liken her to something NOT homosapien, she'd be an earthworm. why? no backbone, very nua and gross (disgusting).

today. i hated my mother. i rolled my eyes about 17 times at the table and i ate just enough to fill half my stomach. once again, i was almost non-existent. i probably sound whiny and all, but i'm really angry this whole cny. i think it's just PMS. at least my aunty was human enough to sense that there was something wrong. DON'T FORCE TO SWITCH SEATS IF I DON'T WANT TO. ERGH.

i tried okay, i tried to smile. i probably have the blackest face amongst the red during this festive season. sometimes i wish i had someone for me. like, THERE. i know i have... but...

i really don't like my cousin's girlfriend and she's really an ah lian. SHE. SPEAKS. CHINESE. and her hair is rebonded and she smile like velda. yucks. earthworm.

on the lighter side, i absolutely love reunion dinners with my dad's side. i love the people there. i don't resent anyone and i actually like my cousins' girlfriends. and to add on, i actually talk to my cousins because we're not so distant and nobody is so busy with themselves are acting all lovey-dovey with someone they just met 6 months ago (earthworm and my cousin).

the cheoks are the best okay i tell you.

anyway, i'll post the pictures of my nephews (ray and randell) in a happier post! :D

happy cny!

2008-02-05T19:19:00.000-08:00

OMG i am FINALLY blogging again!

anyway, it has been a wonderful 2 weeks or so (since the last time i blogged)! i absolutely love renee and camelia!

many things have happened. like the collection of O level results, me not going for 7am mass 3 weeks in a row, not going for weekday mass due to the lack of time, val's confirmation, the kickstart of victoria's gift bearers, me passing my first amaths test in 2 years (I GOT 21 OUT OF 25!!!!!!!), planning of my sweet sixteen, the return of my 5th granduncle and grandaunty. sigh SO MUCH! sec4 has been HECTIC and HEAVY and CRAZY but FUN :D

okay, today is the 5th of february already (i can never seem to spell the month) and what have i NOT done? lets see,

- my geog notes
- my bio notes
- revision for emaths and amaths
- history and social studies worksheetsssssssss
- filing
- PACKING UP MY ROOM PROPER (it is packed for CNY, but the school worksheets are a complete mess!)

and there's alot more. but the most pressing one (for now, to me) is MY SWEET SIXTEEN!

and my dearest CAMELIA THE HUNCHY/HUNCHIE will be turning an awesome FOUR YEARS OLD (her birthday is on the 29th of february you see).

and I LOVE HONGKONG DRAMAS!!!!!!! :D

okay i'll blog again later!

and have i said how much i miss shirlynn cheong mei ling? i miss her giggles :(

I MISS YOU ALOT SHIRLYNN. I LOVE YOUUUUUUUU!

and I MISS VALERIE TAN ZHI XING LIKE CRAP :( but it's okay, i can smell valentine's day round the corner!

julienne

2008-01-24T23:15:00.000-08:00

The Importance of Each Colour

Once upon a time, the colors of the world started to quarrel that they were: all claimed the best, the most important, the most useful, the favorite.

GREEN said: "Clearly I am the most important. I am the sign of life and of hope. I was chosen for grass, trees, leaves - without me, all animals would die. Look over the countryside and you will see that I am in the majority."

BLUE interrupted: "You only think about the earth, but consider the sky and the sea. It is the water that is the basis of life and drawn up by the clouds from the deep sea. The sky gives space and peace and serenity. Without my peace, you would all be nothing."

YELLOW chuckled: "You are all so serious. I bring laughter, gaiety, and warmth into the world. The sun is yellow, the moon is yellow, the stars are yellow. Every time you look at a sunflower, the whole world starts to smile. Without me there would be no fun."

ORANGE started next to blow her trumpet: "I am the color of health and strength. I may be scarce, but I am precious for I serve the needs of human life. I carry the most important vitamins. Think of carrots, pumpkins, oranges, mangoes, and pawpaws. I don't hang around all the time,but when I fill sky at sunrise or sunset, my beauty is so striking that no one gives another thought to any of you."

RED could stand it no longer. He shouted out: "I am the ruler of all of you- I am blood - life's blood! I am the color of danger and of bravery. I am willing to fight for a cause. I bring fire into the blood. Without me, the earth would be as empty as the moon. I am the color of passion and of love, the red rose, the poinsettia and the poppy."

PURPLE rose up to his full height. He was very tall andspoke with great pomp: "I am the color of royalty and power. Kings, cheifs, and bishops have always chosen me for I am the sign of authority and wisdom. People do not question me - they listen and obey."

Finally, INDIGO spoke, much more quietly than all the others, but with just as much determination: "Think of me. I am the color of silence. You hardly notice me, but without me you all become superficial. I represent thought and reflection, twilight and deep water. You need me for balance and contrast, for prayer and inner peace."

And so the colors went on boasting, each convinced of his or her own superiority. Their quarreling became louder and louder.

Suddenly there was a startling flash of bright lightening - thunder rolled and boomed. Rain started to pour down relentlessly The colors crouched down in fear, drawing close to one another for comfort.

In the midst of the clamor, rain began to speak: "You foolish colors, fighting amongst yourselves, each trying to dominate the rest. Don't you know that you were each made for a special purpose, unique and different? Join hands with one another and come to me."

Doing as they were told, the colors united and joined hands. The rain continued: "From now on, when it rains, each of you will stretch across the sky in a great bow of color as a reminder that you can all live in peace. The rainbow is a sign of hope for tomorrow."

And so, whenever a good rain washes the world, and a rainbow appears in the sky, let us remember to appreciate one another.

------------------------

How Much Does a Prayer Weigh

Louise Redden, a poorly dressed lady with a look of defeat on her face, walked into a grocery store. She approached the owner of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let her charge a few groceries. She softly explained that her husband was very ill and unable to work. They had seven children and they needed food.

John Longhouse, the grocer, scoffed at her and requested that she leave his store. Visualizing the family needs, she said: "Please, sir! I will bring you the money just as soon as I can." John told her he could not give her credit, as she did not have a charge account at his store.

Standing beside the counter was a customer who overheard the conversation between the two. The customer walked forward and told the grocer that he would stand good for whatever she needed for her family.

The grocer said in a very reluctant voice, "Do you have a grocery list?" Louise replied, "Yes sir." "Okay" he said, "put your grocery list on the scales and whatever your grocery list weighs, I will give you that amount in groceries."

Louise hesitated a moment with a bowed head. Then she reached into her purse and took out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it. She then laid the piece of paper on the scale carefully with her head still bowed.

The eyes of the grocer and the customer showed amazement when the scale went down and stayed down. The grocer, staring at the scales, turned slowly to the customer and said begrudgingly, "I can't believe it." The customer smiled and the grocer started putting the groceries on the other side of the scales.

The scale did not balance so he continued to put more and more groceries on them until the scales would hold no more. The grocer stood there in utter disgust.

Finally, he grabbed the piece of paper from the scales and looked at it with greater amazement. It was not a grocery list. It was instead a prayer which said: "Dear Lord, you know my needs and I am leaving this in your hands."

The grocer gave her the groceries that he had gathered and stood in stunned silence. Louise thanked him and left the store. The customer handed a fifty-dollar bill to the grocer and said, "It was worth every penny of it."
It was sometime later that the grocer discovered the scales were broken; therefore, only God knows how much a prayer weighs.

----------------------

What Goes Around Comes Around

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer.One day,while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself.

Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death. The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."

"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer.

At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.

"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal. Let me take him and give him a good education. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll grow to a man you can be proud of."

And that he did. In time, Farmer Fleming's son graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the nobleman's son was stricken with pneumonia. What saved him? Penicillin. The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.

Someone once said: What goes around comes around. Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching.

--------------------

The Cocoon

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly, and he brought it home. One day, a small opening appeared in the cocoon.

The man sat and watched the cocoon for several hours as the butterfly struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making progress. It appeared as if the butterfly had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no farther.

The man decided to help the butterfly in its struggle. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon... and the butterfly emerged easily.

As the butterfly emerged, the man was surprised.

It had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. He continued to watch the butterfly expectating that, at any moment, the wings would dry out, enlarge, and expand to support the swollen body.

He knew that in time the body would contract, and the butterfly would be able to fly... but neither happened!

In fact, the butterfly spend the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings.
What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle were required for the butterfly to be able to fly.

The butterfly must push its way through the tiny opening to force the fluid from its body and wings. Only by struggling through the opening can the butterfly's wings be ready for flight once it emerges from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life.

If our Higher Power allowed us to go through life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been... and we could never fly!

Spread your wings and prepare to fly,

For you have become a butterfly...

Fly abandonedly into the sun!

---------------------

Okay! that was food for thought :D

anyway, CONGRATS TO MY SENIORS WHO HAVE COLLECTED THEIR O LEVEL RESULTS!!!!!!

AND......

CONGRATS TO ME FOR MY A1 IN CHINESE AND DISTINCTION FOR ORAL!!!!!!!

I'M SUPER, SUPER, SUPER HAPPY NOW! :D

and i wonder who is my angel.... the REAL one, that is. heehee, it isn't so that bad to have 2 angels!

PRAISE THE LORD FOR THE AWESOME RESULTS!

2008-01-20T18:52:00.000-08:00

True Friends

Horror gripped the heart of the World War 1 soldier as he saw his lifelong friend fall in battle. Caught in a trench with continuous gunfire whizzing over his head, the soldier asked his lieutenant if he might go out into the "no man's land" between the trenches to bring his fallen comrade back.

"You can go," said the lieutenant, "but i don't think it will be worth it. Your friend is probably dead and you may throw your life away." The lieutenant's advice didn't matter, and the soldier went anyway.

Miraculously he managed to reach his friend, hoist him onto his shoulder and bring him back to their company's trench. As the two of them tumbled in together to the bottom of the trench, the officer checked the wounded soldier, and then looked kindly at his friend.

"I told you it wouldn't be worth it," he said. "Your friend is dead and you are mortally wounded."

"It was worth it, though, sir," said the soldier.

"What do you mean; worth it?" responded the Lieutenant. "Your friend is dead"

"YES, Sir" the private answered. "But it was worth it because when i got to him, he was still alive and i had the satisfaction of hearing him say, "JIM........, I KNEW YOU'D COME."

Many times in life, whether a thing is worth doing or not, really depends on how u look at it. Take up all your courage and do something your heart tells you to do so that you may not regret not doing it later in your life.

"May each and every one of you be blessed with the company of true friends."

"A true friend is one who walks in, when the rest of the world walks out."

War doesn't determine who's right. War only determines who's left.

-------------------

$20 Per Hour

The man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year old sonwaiting for him at the door.

"Daddy, may I ask you a question?"

"Yeah, sure, what is it?" replied the man.

"Daddy, how much money do you make an hour?"

"That's none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?" the man said angrily.

"I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?" pleaded the little boy.

"If you must know, I make $20.00 an hour."

"Oh," the little boy replied, head bowed. Looking up, he said, "Daddy, may I borrow $10.00 please?"

The father was furious.

"If the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you're being so selfish. I work long, hard hours everyday and don't have time for such childish games."

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy's questioning.

How dare he ask such questions only to get some money.
After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son.

Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $10.00, and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.

"Are you asleep son?" he asked.

"No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.

"I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier," said the man.

"It's been a long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here's that $10.00 you asked for."

The little boy sat straight up, beaming.

"Oh, thank you daddy!" he yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills.

The man, since the boy already had money, started to get angry again.The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.

"Why did you want more money if you already had some?" the father grumbled.

"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.

"Daddy, I have $20.00 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?"

-------------------

Work like you don't need money,

Love like you've never been hurt,

And dance like no one's watching.

but who can do that? please help me...

unloved

2008-01-20T00:57:00.000-08:00

i don't know why i feel this way, but i really feel so unloved. it's as though my being on this earth is nothing.

i really felt so lousy, i felt like crap. i know, i know falling out of love is not the end of the world. i never really felt this bad even as i had to cope with almost the whole world crashing down on me. i think gareth was just a period of time which God wanted me to be happy and leave everything behind. and now i've got to put gareth aside. it's hard but i'll do it. i've got way too much things to keep my mind off him.

i've got so many people around me these few days, and i think i'm having fun.

the past few days have been really really crazy. and my blog is getting more and more boring! i really need a change in lifestyle. i've got nowhere to breathe!

no wait, before that, I NEED A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYTHING HAS COME TOOOOOOOOO FAST!

Lord, please help me.

moved on

2008-01-18T23:16:00.000-08:00

hello people who know about my blog!

well, i'm back after my half-hiatus!

anyway, i just want to say that i've finally moved on. i guess i wasn't able to let go of gareth because i didn't want to. i could, but i just didn't want to. school has kept me occupied over the past 3 weeks and i'm really glad that i didn't make the wrong decision to finally let go.

well, its okay if you don't want to reply my msgs or talk to me. it's okay, i'll just take it as i've never really had a friend...

and if you're reading this victoria, be happy that i'm finally moving on! :D

anyway, i plan to become as hot as possible and i have to lose 8kg by the end of May! possible! i can do it!!!!!

i'm still planning my sweet sixteen! i'm so excited!

and i'm really tired. i just got home so i'm going to bathe. farewell!

oh i saw charmian today!!! (ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!) and tomorrow is CCA orientation. i might just die of fatigue. sigh. going out to get a new watch + CNY stuff!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GLADYS!

2008-01-12T13:08:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GLADYS!!!!!!!!!!!

my girl has just turned 16! her party yesterday was really like a gathering of old friends! or rather, more like a 2/1 gathering! it was really awesome being together with my old classmates to celebrate her sweet sixteen. i was really glad that i was there!

and yesterday was a really long day. from school, there was chem test after school (which meant no lunch), then there was ARC and finally we left for gladys' birthday party and then i came home at around 11 or so. totally drained!

got loads and loads of things to do this week! so many upcoming tests in week 3 (History, Biology and Geography), so many projects and homework to complete, and PLUS amath tuition homework. ahhhh! this is really crazy!

well, this got me thinking about MY sweet sixteen. how do i want it? and its not as if i'm loaded and i can afford SO much! i guess to have a really decent one with close friends should be fine. i'll think about it :D

and i'm really proud of myself! just a mere 15 days ago i was crying my heart out and now i'm okay already. i can hold my head up high and tell the world i emerged a winner because i overcame the monster of heartbreak. it really makes me feel consoled that i was able to get out so quickly.

and now i'm not mourning because i've lost that love, but i'm glad i've had it before and that i've found another kind of love. difficult but i did it!

and right now i'm all hyped up about what sweet 16 party ideas there are! and i'm especially excited about the CINDERELLA one!

julienne

2008-01-07T23:07:00.000-08:00

went for gareth's concert yesterday. it was really awesome! haha gareth gave that silly face when he was on stage. hmmm i think he looked quite adorable. HAHAHHA! and he did that gay thing with his head again. hmmm gareth is very cute actually. he just shouldn't annoy me too much. HAHAHA!

school today was good.

when i got home it was even better! best surprise of the day. thanks darren :D

a rose a day keeps the guys away

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

okay going for mass with danella tomorrow! got chem tomorrow!

i'll continue blogging another day lah, quite late already. BYE BYE EVERYONE!

this seems too good to be true, it seems to real, and it seems like a fantasy...

I'M HAPPY BEING SINGLE :D

so anyway, one last thing: sorry darren, though you gave me that awesome surprise, i'm really very very glad to have you as a friend. but i'd rather you not wait for me anymore. but if ever i'm ready to give you a chance and you're not attached, i will. but for now, i hope you'll look for someone else. you'll always be my bestfriend :D

oh and i just took out the 07 arc camp warm fuzzies and the one from savina really made me happy. she said this: sometimes, i see that you look rather =( and i want to let you know that i've been praying for you. =)

OH GOODNESS THANK YOU SO SO MUCH SAVINA LIM JIE YING. i've really felt God's love, and thank you so so much! hope everything goes well with you (if you ever will see this). oh, and i put your full name here so that you might find it when you put your own name into google :D

first day of school

2008-01-02T21:28:00.000-08:00

SO, today was the first day of school for year 2008. hmmm, many things happened i guess?

i don't know. but i know i'm drained now. it was so tiring just catching up with the awesome people! i think something's wrong with me.

i have so much things to say, but whenever i come online, i suddenly forget about ehat i wanted tosay. anyway, i met val today! sigh, its been such a long time...

and meet my new partner, the ever so cute and lovable: CAMELIAAAAAAAAA!

HAHAHAHA!

okay, i hope you guys don't hate me or what, but i really feel like moving my blog because too many people know my blog already....... it'll only be a matter of time when everyone will know my blog. heehee.

today was kind of a short day actually. nothing too heavy yet.

i'm sorry, but i'm trying my best to get over you although you might be having fun with her...

Some day you'll cry for me like I cried for you
Some day you'll miss me like I missed you
Some day you'll need me like I needed you
Some day you'll love me but I won't love you.

but is that right? i doubt it'll happen. i'd gladly wait as long as you say just one word.......

I love you, I really do. I just want and need you to be happy. that'd be a good enough favour you could do me, to prevent my heart from breaking further.

oh, and did i say how much i hate those people in church? i wanted and NEEDED some peace and quiet today, but i was faced with yet another circus in church.

and i cannot stand that pair of brother and sister especially. STOP POKING ME AND TALK TO ME AS THOUGH AS I KNOW YOU VERY WELL. I DO NOT AND YOUR POKES ARE FUCKING PAINFUL AND ANNOYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you think you're very cool using expletives? you couldn't just ASK what number was the hymn, and had to use your NAILS TO SCRATCH ME? so what if i'm not going for mass? I DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER TO YOU OKAY YOU FUCKING BASTARD. IF YOU REALISED, I DON'T OWE YOU ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I FUCKING HATE YOUR SISTER TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO PUSH ME AND ASKED ME TO GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! stupid idiots. i have so many things to say, but because i have wonderful friends there so i won't degrade them to be like you. because to me, THEY are awesome, BUT NOT EITHER OF YOU SISTER OR BROTHER. I HATE YOU BOTH.

I AM GOING TO EXPLODE ANYTIME SOON!!!!!!!!! ERGH.

and your initials are L _ _ _ L _ _ _ and G _ _ _ _ _ _ L _ _ _.

2008

2008-01-01T21:29:00.000-08:00

HELLO EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

i think something's wrong with me, but i did not stay up last night, neither did i drink! HO HO!

and something took my breath away yesterday. my heart really stopped and i literally "ran away screaming".

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU DID IT?!?!?!?! GAH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! YOU DIDN'T EVEN ASK PERMISSION! TSK.

school is starting tomorrow..... shit lah.......

I HAVE SURVIVED!

2007-12-31T15:33:00.000-08:00

this was from my dearest victoria, who comforted me when i feel like crap..

For love comes much as a gift,
Not as a pain to be put up with.

To You.
I know that you feel like your heart's been ripped out,
torn,
shattered.
Know that I'm always here to listen to you.
Though I may not always know the right words to say,
Or how to advice you,
Or how to cheer you up,
I'll always be here for you! =)

Crying tsunamis and oceans do not exactly help,
but it does help to cry.
It makes you feel loads better.

Do not think yourself of having wasted 2 months
or any part of time
With him.
But think of it as
getting to know him better.
Although I know how much you just want to HATE him,
you can't, because,
Love makes it that way.

Do not hate that you fell in love with him,
And compare yourself with the OTHER girl.
Because,
No one can ever compare to you!

You are beautiful,
you are absolutely the life of a crowd where ever you go,
You've got the sweetest smiles,
You're absolutely wonderful,
AND...
ITS HIS LOSS!!!!

Too bad for him. bleah.

Lots of Love,
Vicky<3

----------

THANK YOU VICTORIA!!!!!

okay anyway, I AM OKAY. I CAN SHOW THE WORLD THAT I WON'T LET ANYTHING GET ME DOWN :D

thank you everyone who have helped in one way or another. those who listened to me cry, i am really really sorry y'know! i don't know why i couldn't stop. they just keep coming out! i cried, and cried, and cried until no more sound came out! REALLY SORRY!!!!!

after these SIXTEEN DAYS of crying with 4 tsunami of tears within 2 days, i have become a much stronger person. i will use this experience to tell others that i know what they've been through.

i know how it is to have had your heart broken and cried at every love song you heard. i'll know how it feels like when you feel like you've lost everything but your friends are every willing to embrace all your pain and cry with you. i'll know how it feels to see the one you love everyday, knowing he only loves you as a friend. and i know what it means when people say that loving someone isn't about possesing them, but wanting and knowing that they're happy.

and for now, i am no longer seeing him as someone i used to. but instead, i see him as one of my good friends, and i'll love him for who he is as a friend. and as what friends do for each other, i'll do it for him. and as to love someone, i'll only want him to be happy, and i'll be there for him when he needs me, because i know he's comfortable with me.

now, i have a million and one things to accomplish after spending SO MUCH TIME crying!

so here's something that i'll live by:

If You Really Love Something Set It Free.
If It Comes Back It's Yours, If Not It Wasn't Meant To Be

and here's one more that says alot:

Some Day You'll Cry For Me Like I Cried For You,
Some Day You'll Miss Me Like I Missed You,
Some Day You'll Need Me Like I Needed You,
Some Day You'll Love Me But I Won't Love You

-------

YAY ME!

so since i've welcomed someone back into my life as a friend after everything, i'll out some touching quotes:

People won't remember what you did.
People won't remember what you said.
But, people will remember how you made them feel.

So often we don't say 'I love you'
because we fear losing someone,
but more often we lose them
because we fear saying 'I love you'

Can miles truly separate you from friends?
If you want to be with someone you love,
aren't you already there?

Side by side or miles apart,
friends like us stay close to the heart.

Closeness isn't always measured in distance;
friends can live many miles away,
but the bond of love formed long ago
always keeps them close at heart.

Our Friendship: A two way road to a perfect love.

A friend is someone who will walk
the long way when you don't want to hop the fence.

Money and power only last the hour,
but friendship and love withstand the sky above.

You have done it
Without a touch,
without a word,
Without a sign.
You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means
After all.

Friends are like wedgies.
They're intimately close.
They know you're inner self.
And it feels great when you pick out a good one!

My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me.

-------

ah, WONDERFUL! :D

oh! and one more thing that amelia taught me:

I Will Survive

At first I was afraid,
I was petrified,
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side,
But then I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew stong
And I learned how to get along
And now you're back
From outer space,
I just walked in to find you here
With that sad look upon you're face,
I should have changed that stupid lock,
I should have made leave your key,
If I'd known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me.

Go on now go,
Walk out the door,
Just turn around now,
Cause you're not welcome anymore,
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbyes
Do you think I'd crumble?
Do you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no not I

I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love
I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
And I will survive
I will survive
Hey Hey!

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high.
And you'll see me
Somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
Still in love with you
And so you felt like dropping in
And just expect me to be free
But now I'm saving all my lovin'
For someone who's lovin' me

Go on now go
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?
Did you I crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no not I

I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love
I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Hey hey!

----------

AWESOME STUFF!

julienne

2007-12-30T21:40:00.000-08:00

i have always helped people, i have always been there for them.

but now, i really don't want to be there for him anymore. i feel used, cheated and hurt. i feel like i was taken for granted.

i was there when you needed someone the most. i was there when you had no one to keep you company. i was there when you feel sad. i was there when you had something to share. i was there when you had problems. i was there when you were scared.

and now who's there to be your joy? it isn't me. not even as a friend.

because you don't need me anymore. all you need is her. all you ever want will be her. i have become a thing of the past, just someone there for you to go to when you have trouble.

everything's easier said than done. i have lways told people to forget about those other people when they go through what i'm going through, but when it comes to me, the pain is multiplied 500 times and all that i have told others become just words with no meaning.

I'm searching for love, love from friends and love from God. as i sat down crying yesterday, i felt a great feeling of arms wrapped around me. my heart ached and i cried even more. i knew it was the Lord Jesus. it was He who felt my heartbreak, He who came to me in my darkest and saddest moment, He who came to be my support, and even brought all of my friends along with him. the Lord Jesus came to be with me as i cried my heart out, He held my hand and cried along with me, and He shouldered more pain than i did.

i feel so small to what the Lord has done for me and given me: my precious friends.

and now i'm thinking of the story of the footprints... because it was exactly what the Lord did for me. and as i searched for a song to listen to, and know that God is near, the song was "You Are Mine".

----------

the story...

One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking
Along the beach with the Lord.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene,
He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to him, and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
He looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life
There was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened
At the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him
And he questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, You said that once I decided to follow You,
You'd walk with me all the way.

But I have noticed that
During the most troublesome times in my life,
There is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed
You most you would leave me."

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
When you see only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."

---------

and the song....

I will come to you in the silence
I will lift you from all your fear
You will hear My voice
I claim you as My choice
Be still, and know I am near

I am hope for all who are hopeless
I am eyes for all who long to see
In the shadows of the night,
I will be your light
Come and rest in Me

Chorus:
Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

I am strength for all the despairing
Healing for the ones who dwell in shame
All the blind will see, the lame will all run free
And all will know My name

Chorus:
Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

I am the Word that leads all to freedom
I am the peace the world cannot give
I will call your name, embracing all your pain
Stand up, now, walk, and live

Chorus:
Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

---------

i cried more than ever... and now, i just offer it all up to God... and here's the song I'd sing if i were strong enough and not cry:

All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you, O Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I'm making them Yours

Lord, I offer my life to You
Everything I've been through
Use it for your Glory
Lord I offer my days to You
Lifting my praise to You as a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my hopes, all of my plans
My heart and my hands are lifted to you

What can we give that You have not given
What do we have that is not already yours
All we possess are these lives we're living
And that's what we give to you Lord

---------

thank you everyone who were there beside me every step of the way, especially victoria. thank you for everything, and thank you for the blog post. it was very sweet but it didn't really make me feel better.....

I really love all of you. thank you for all your hugs and kisses, smses and phonecalls, notes and cards, tags and emails/msn conversations.

julienne

2007-12-30T18:46:00.000-08:00

one of my most favourite songs.. but it made me cry when i was in church..

--------

When love is found and hope comes home,
Sing and be glad that two are one,
When love explodes and fills the sky,
Praise God and share Our Maker's joy.

When love has flowered in trust and care,
Build both each day, that love may dare,
To reach beyond home's warmth and light
To serve and strive for truth and right.

When love is tried as loved ones change,
Hold still to hope though all seems strange,
'Til ease returns and hope grows wise,
Through list'ning ears and opened eyes.

When love is torn and trust betrayed,
Pray strength to love 'til torments fade,
'Til lovers keep no score of wrong,
But hear through pain love's Easter song.

Praise God for love, praise God for life,
In age or youth, in calm or strife.
Lift up your hearts! Let love be fed,
Through death and life in broken bread.

---------

you'll feel it when you sing it...

broken hearts

2007-12-30T00:46:00.000-08:00

for everyone who's had their hearts broken just as i did...

There are times when I cant decide whether to see you or not, I want to see you because I miss you but there are times when I dont want to see you because everytime I do, the fact that you dont see me the way that I see you hurts me even more ...

-- Author Unknown

There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.

-- Harry Crews

When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal.

-- Author Unknown

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.

-- Alexander Graham Bell

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.

-- Jan Glidewell

Just so you know, there's a space that only you can fill. Just so you know, I loved you then, I guess I always will.

-- Author Unknown

Love is like a puzzle. When you're in love, all the pieces fit but when your heart gets broken, it takes a while to get everything back together.

-- Author Unknown

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.

-- Anais Nin

----------------

i just pray that you'll be happy with her. i have told you i'm okay, so i won't show it to you. i'll keep it all inside, i'll make sure i conceal it. i'll show you that it's your loss and not mine, i promise i'll live a better life.

till then, i'll try not to love you anymore, Gareth.

julienne

2007-12-29T14:41:00.000-08:00

i feel like as though a rock has crushed me. i don't want to ever do anything again. these 7 months have been the best and worst. i really felt so much like a loser, crying everyday like nobody's business.

when i was alone, i cried. when i was bored, i cried. when i was thinking, i cried. when i slept, i cried. when i was talking to friends online, i cried. when i was on the phone, i cried. while i anticipated, i cried. when i knew what was going to happen, i cried. when i drank, i cried. when i didn't drink, i cried. when i was sad, i cried. when i was happy, i cried. when i knew that i thought too much, i cried. when i was hurt, i cried. when i didn't eat, i cried. after i ate, i cried.

i have cried an ocean in the last few days. i spent half my time crying instead of loving myself. i spent more than half a year on nothing, and when my heart was broken, i cried. i cried so hard that my eyes couldn't even open. they hurt when i touched them, and they had a burning sensation. i can't help but cry when someone says things to comfort me or try to make me laugh. it makes me cry even more when they call me up to hear me cry. i spend half the time sobbing and screaming into the phone.

as i type this, i can feel another round of tears overflowing from my eyes. first i start by sniffing and by saying that i won't cry. then the tears start flowing and won't stop.

my heart was so heavy over the last few days. i forced the best smile i could, hoping that no-one would see through me and leave me in tears again. why did i even bother to hide? if i was sad, i should've just shown it. why did i hide alone to cry? i should have shared my pain. but with who?

nobody is responsible for this pain i've inflicted on myself. why did i allow myself to sink in deeper and deeper? why did i allow myself to cry all the time? or rather, why did i NOT restrain my tears.

i'd rather you be indifferent to me, then i could get mad at you, hate you and finally let go of you. but everytime i'm told something, i can't help but smile because that's the way you are. i cried when i was assured, i cried when i was touched, and now i'm crying because of the heartbreak. i cried for everything i thought i knew and didn't know, i cried for everything i had. i cried for everything we shared, i cried for all the memories.

my heart was there, and it's nobody's fault that things turned out this way. it had always been a one-sided thing. my heart had been ripped apart too many a times, it had been broken and it had been put in the most fragile position possible, only to crumble at the slightest thing that touches it.

my heart skipped every other beat, it dropped and it was stabbed by a knife only to be viciously ripped out. i was torn apart when i knew about things, and the only thing i did was to tell my friends and cry. i said i hated you and i said that i was angry with you, but never once did it ever happen. i said i was never going to talk to you again, i said i wasn't going to talk to you until you spoke to me.. but that never happened once.

i thought it'd be easy to let go of you when i knew your answer, but i'm still in denial and it is harder than i expected it to be. i don't know how to face you, how to face my friends and how to even face myself. i'm so ashamed of myself for everything i've done.

and i'll be honest here, whatever little self-confidence i had left has disappeared already. no matter what everyone says, about how lovable, adorable or nice my smile is, it's never going to make me feel the same way about myself again.

i've played with fire and it was never anybody's fault.

julienne

2007-12-29T00:21:00.000-08:00

GOSH I LOVE VICTORIA AND DANELLA!

victoria is so sweet and danella is hilarious!

victoria: he said "I CAN'T TELL YOU" and "NOT NOW". so........

danella: YOU ARE REALLY SO FUNNY Y'KNOW! SIGH, YOU'RE REALLY AWESOME! and thanks for standing up for me! hahaha you were so extremely cute! i guess you made the both of us laugh till we were all in stitches!

i think gareth is really silly lah.

so much for not the right time..........

i'm pretty sure my assumption is correct so once again, i'm not putting any hopes on him until something does happen (again?).

oh a lighter note, shaun seems a little different these days.......... he's a little more.......... comfortable to be with. as in, not that he wasn't before, but the feeling's different.

OMG AND GUYS THESE DAYS ARE REALLY SO UNGENTLEMANLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEY DON'T EVEN HOLD THE DOORS FOR GIRLS THESE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOSH. GOODNESS ME! what are they all learning! seriously mann...

confused

2007-12-28T15:54:00.000-08:00

what's there to be confused about?

you KNOW that you don't like me. so why do you have to think, or be confused about anything?

i'll answer it for you.

but if you really want an answer yourself, i suggest you come talk to me. maybe it'll help you to realise if you really do like me or not.

and don't worry about me, because i'm still here.

you're making me feel so weird talking to you!

COME ON! I'M NOT ALL THAT SCARY, AM I?

I NEED HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.

i've bared my whole heart already, and i don't know what i want.

i need a hug :(

finally

2007-12-27T11:38:00.000-08:00

i guess it just wasn't enough.

but i'm glad that i wasn't the rebound/substitute, or it'd have broken my heart more.

not enough to make it, not enough to even start.

but i really appreciate the honesty. i guess i was half right all along, and so were the others. he does (did) like me, but he knew it wouldn't work.

i just hope that everything will be fine today.

Thank you Lord, for giving me an answer. though I've waited a long time for this, I'm glad to have gotten my long-awaited answer.

my current mood: i'm feeling happy though my heart has been broken and ripped out time and time again. however, i'm very happy to have found the best kinds of friends you'd ever want. the kinds that I'd thank God for over and over again.

to victoria: thank you so much for having done so much for me. i'm really very very grateful that you sacrificed your sleep to play mediator. thank you so so much for everything and helping me to find my answers. i can never thank you enough, really. and i had a good sleep yesterday. no dreams at all, which means my brain has finally relaxed and let go of everything.

to gareth (if you'll ever see this): thank you for everything. last night didn't go very smoothly and i'm glad that you really came honest with me. thank you for reassuring me, thank you for telling me the truths, and thank you for finally giving me an answer. and to be honest, though my heart was breaking, i expected your answer and it wasn't as painful as i had expected it to be. maybe it was because i've given up on you already and i know that you're a friend that i can count on. thanks alot, and i'm sorry if this whole episode has made it awkward, but i have forgotten everything already so there's no need to be awkward or weird with me.

i feel so much better now.

over the last few days, if i wasn't sleeping, i was crying my eyes out. if i wasn't drinking, i was crying. if i wasn't wrapping presents, i was crying. if i wasn't out shopping, i was crying.

stupid isn't it? christmas this year was filled with tears, but i guess it was just me.

and one more thing, i'm fine the way i am. it's me if i whine and make a big fuss out of every, over-reacting and all, so i'm happy the way i am. if i don't do any of the above, everyone will know that something's wrong with me, right victoria? i'm glad i never changed just to fit you, because i'll never receive the same from you as i have given. so...

I'M HAPPY BEING SINGLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

and right now, i'm not ready for any sort of romantic relationships. i might ignore you if you advance too fast. but if you're a friend, i love you all the same, or maybe even more, because my heart isn't 99% filled already, and my friends have my whole heart. thank you very very much :D

and to jianeng: i've just recieved your card today! thank you so much! however, gareth and I are over, so you don't have to worry about me anymore. thank you so so much and you're the bestest! I LOVE YOU LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS!!!!!!!!!!!

closure

2007-12-27T00:50:00.000-08:00

finally.

at last.

i've got my answer, for sure.

the most definite answer i've ever got.

its time to pick myself up and hope for the best.

i know i've got beautiful memories from the last 2 months.

though christmas wasn't what i expected, it's enough for me already.

with one wish down, i've got 2 more wishes:

#1. to strike gold
#2. for all my wishes to come true

and God granted me one extra wish i didn't make:

The gift of the most beautiful friends I could ever wish for

christmas

2007-12-26T11:47:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS,

HAPPY BOXING DAY

AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

:D

okay i am feeling like a bitch now and i'm so sad.

GOODBYE, WORLD.

i feel like i'm being used.

for everything i did, its not comparable to that stupid 2 hours on the phone. for 2 whole months of sleepless nights and thousands of messages.

i think he doesn't need me anymore.

i should have known.

julienne

2007-12-24T15:54:00.000-08:00

since this blog is secret, i can say anything i want. and now i want to type something which i've been holding back for a very very long time:

I LOVE GARETH!

okay, but there's nothing going on with us. so whoever sees this better shush, or i'll have to kill you :D

anyway christmas is coming soon! and i haven't finished my homework. DIEEEEEE.

yeah i still love gareth. sorry victoria, i can't help it! i hope you'll slap me awake or something!

pissed

2007-12-21T23:10:00.000-08:00

i really don't get it.

i mean, you don't have to give me such extremes even if you don't like me. you can just say it to my face then i won't bother you anymore.

i just needed an answer, was it that difficult?

i've tried my best, i've done whatever i could, i've given my all already. all i'm asking is just an answer.

please don't treat me so well, because it'll only make it harder for me to get out.

i really have no idea why i even bother sometimes. maybe i'm just afraid of upsetting you, maybe i'm just afraid of getting you angry.

but through it all, i know i still love you. i know i do. i'm just unsure about you..

danella!

2007-12-21T01:01:00.000-08:00

anyway this post is about my dearest friend: DANELLA FOO!

okay i have know her for like, 3/5 of my life and i must say she has been awesome.

she's one of my bestest friends, the keeper of my secrets. despite us being in different classes, it has been a blessing from God to be able to be so close to her. and even when i felt the most detached from my friends, she has always been one of the few whom i constantly talk to :D

thank you for everything you've done for me and given me over the years!

you've been a really great friend. thank you for listening to me, and giving me advice too! thank you for spending time with me too! without danella, school/church/bus rides/shopping won't be the same!

thank you for everything!

I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUU VERY VERY VERY MUCH!!!! :D

9 years of friendship is really treasured and kept close to my heart.

Lot of Love,
Your friend Petrina

I WILL PICK MY FRIENDS BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE! okay, maybe i'll pick my parents first, THEN friends will be second. oh wait, maybe money will tie with the friends :D heehee.

and yes, danella is really THAT awesome :D